I want to share a reading I did for myself today. Doing so requires I allow myself to be vulnerable – and that is part of the reason I share. I know that when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, that is when healing happens for ourselves and sometimes for others too.
We (my family) have been struggling financially and that just happens to bring up all my sh#t and fear (I don’t think I am unusual in this). The past several weeks I have been moving in and out of hopelessness, overwhelm and feeling like there is something broken inside me (broken as in something is not working). This all coalesces around my decision to follow my calling and how many times I have had to walk through the fire for it (the initiation fee). I finally decided to draw cards for myself around this topic. I use The Fairy Oracle Deck. Let me just say, it is always more difficult to do a reading for oneself. We can be so guarded and often we don’t want to see what the cards are pointing too, but I took the leap anyway. I trust the fairies to be both honest and compassionate (the main reason I use this deck).
I started with the question, what is the root of this piece that feels broken in me? The card I pulled was the Soul Shrinker (you can see the cards in the picture). The message? The root of what feels broken comes from childhood experiences where I was betrayed. I could see interactions with friends in adolescence and then the string of betrayals going back in time to early childhood. I sat there, allowing myself to get in touch with the hurt. Suddenly I could see all the resentment which I carried forward into current time and which still gets triggered during interactions that happen in the present. Ouch! My soul shrinking may have started with childhood betrayal, but there are places inside me where the resentment still festers. In that way I still participate in my own victimhood.
The next question was, how am I with this NOW? I pulled the Glauconer. Today he is telling me about deception – particularly self-deception. Ouch again! I didn’t want to see it, but I have been deceiving myself by choosing to stay in my victimhood and it is showing up in my resentment about being financially in dire straits. I could see, as long as I feel like a victim here, nothing is going to change because it clouds my ability to see opportunity and take action and move forward. I am stuck. To become unstuck I needed help, so it was time for the next card.
I asked the cards, what can help? The card I pulled was Death. A third very scary ouch! The card was telling me: give up being a victim, let it go and start with acceptance. Ok I said, now feeling a little scared and resistant and then taking a deep breath, I get it – just let me breath that in for a moment (of course the fairies are ALWAYS accommodating of that, after all they want to show me truth so I can grow, and they do it with both fierceness AND compassion). I felt my heart begin soften around the message, realizing I have been fighting and fighting inside myself and feeling overwhelmed and closed in, sapping my motivation and natural joy. Acceptance doesn’t require that I blame and shame myself, but that I just accept exactly where I am with eyes of compassion.
Time for the next question. So now what? The card I pulled was the Master Maker. The answer, stick to it! Mastery only comes from continual focus, intention and effort. No matter the circumstances, I can always put my best foot forward and continue working towards fulfilling my calling. Ok, I said, that makes sense, but what do I do in the moments I might feel hopeless or let down?
It was time to pull the last card. I pulled the Singer of Connection. The message? I am always connected to Ekstasis, I just have to remember it. I knew that, and that is what I am always reminding others. Healer, heal thyself! I was so struck by the sheer truth of it I burst out crying. The card is a marker of the magic that is always present to support me. I am human and I lose faith (the deeper form of trust), from time to time, as we all do. The past few weeks, in light of my husband’s injury and our fragile financial situation had knocked me for a loop and moved me back into habitual patterns of fear. This card opened my heart to faith and brings it back online. This journey may be challenging, but it is my choice, and I am carried on the wings of my soul and the Divine force that Is.
Here is the big lesson for me. When we face betrayal and hurt as a child, we don’t have the tools to cope and heal ourselves. The trauma can still live in the present. I needed to see that I was participating in my victimhood, recycling feelings of powerlessness, leading to the hopelessness I was experiencing. I can choose acceptance, trust, and empowerment.
I’d like to also shout out gratitude to Lindsey Sterling and her beautiful violin music which compassionately carried me through this rather intense reading. I hope you will find some of your own healing and faith from reading my share here.
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